Looks can be deceiving ....

Often enough we judge people, places and things by the way they look. If this doesn't apply to you well then good for you. But if this idea does apply to you do you ever just wonder if people judge you the same way and it bothers you because unless you're a mind reader how are you supposed to know what that person is thinking?

One of my coworkers laughs at me all the time and she literally thinks it's adorable how I have all these thoughts and beliefs about people. She told me to give it a few years and the thought would go away. Today she was joking with me and said I was shallow but she later said that I'm honestly too young to be shallow.  She said that with time the things I wanted would be different, "see now you want a buff guy with an eight pack but when you're older you'll want a guy with a nice 401 k".  She has made it her life's mission to set me up with someone. But when I do judge people I really do feel bad sometimes. Looks can be deceiving just because someone looks like a 10 does not make them a good person at all.  Their personality is also a factor.  

I have another question for you. Do you ever just feel like everyone around you is in a relationship but you are the only single one? That's probably not true but hey it happens. Also we've discovered that I can't tell the difference between flirting and just talking to someone. When you don't have experience in that area it all sounds the same. I'm such a dork it's ridiculous. Now when it comes to crushes I like to shoot for the stars. I'll have a crush on someone I know I'll never have a chance with and that's just  how I like it.  It's strange and maybe it makes me shallow but it's just how I currently see things.

If you used to know me you need to know this now. I am way more confident than I was before. I've done things in the past few weeks that have even surprised myself. Before if you would have walked past me I would have just ignored you but now I say hello. I'm not afraid to talk and I'm not afraid to be myself. Confidence is key and I'm not tolerating mediocrity and or bull. Funny, it's like a lot of my post are about relationships and I know nothing about them.

Hopefully my next post will make much more sense.

xoxo
Mercedes. 

Struggling to write

What's this a blog? Wait something I'm actually supposed to update and write on every now and then. Oops guess I've been forgetting to do something. Wait I actually haven't forgotten, I've been avoiding it. I think one of the reasons why is partially because I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like most of my thoughts are just relevant enough for twitter, instagram or even a comment section on YouTube but not worthy enough for a blog. I'm sorry about that but from the view counter I don't really think anyone has been checking out my blog in a long time so it's all good.  Atleast I can say I've been into some new things recently and I'm also on the quest for a job so stay tuned for new things coming. What do you think would happen if I became a YouTube video blogger? Probably nothing, I don't think I'd have that many views. I still am on that journey to be AN AUTHOR so hopefully i can finally come up with some coherent thoughts that can be made into a novel sometime soon.
Future blogposts:

1. The Janoskians. (They are awesome)
2. Getting a job, ( You know those normal people who actually have to work for a living)
3. Writing - hopefully we'll see some progress there
4. Many more things but so I don't get your hopes up we can just some stuff.

Also I have been reading a lot but I usually document that more on goodreads  now so check out what I'm reading. It should be in a sidebar somewhere.

Control

When people get dumped, I don't think they are really that mad because it was embarrassing and that they really liked that person and expected a happily ever after. Well, okay maybe that's possible, but I think people are more upset because they didn't do it  themselves. Because who likes being beat at their own game? Sorry, but if someone gives you a warning signal that they don't have feelings for you anymore, take that hint and end it. Otherwise don't go crying when they do.You see it in the movies all the time guy/girl dumps significant other, significant other get's upset cries, screams and shouts then says something like, "I was going to break up with you anyways". Well you could have but you didn't so it kind of sucks for you right now.

I'm honestly not trying to sound cynical but, it's the control aspect of the sitiuation. No one likes to be out of control. You know those people who are afraid of love and want nothing to do with it? The one's who say they could live with a bunch of hook ups and be fine with it. Many times those people are just afraid of getting hurt. You can't control someone else's feelings and you can't stop them from hurting you. No one wants to get hurt. If you do enjoy getting hurt, you should see someone about that.

Imagine this, you're a teenager who just got their driver's license and it's a big deal. You finally get to drive and you have all this freedom. Now imagine after a few months of driving you're parents tell you that you can't drive for some silly reason and that you have to ride the bus. Tragic, right? There isn't exactly anything wrong with riding the bus, someone drives you around for free?  But it's like you lost something you actually had control over. You could hop in a car and go wherever you wanted, you were behind the wheel and it was all up to you. Having someone else behind the wheel sucks. See I know I can't drive because of my pain medicine and it just makes me sad because I love driving myself places.

Today my nurse asked me if I had to go "potty". I seriously wanted to Gibbs slap him across the back of his head. Like how old do I look? I hate doctors, hospitals and because they seem to be the only one's who can diagnose me and I still don't know what's wrong. I don't like taking medicine because I don't like the idea of relying on something that is only going the mask the problem and not get rid of it. I don't like feeling weak or pathetic and that is why I rarely tell people what the heck is going on. I feel like if someone cares enough about you, they will ask the questions, actually try to find things out. But I do talk to the people I care about because I would never want them to worry. I've only been seriously upset because I couldn't control something and that was my grandmother having Breast Cancer. No one told me she had had it for  a year. No one told me she had surgery. No one told me until they thought I needed to know. Now that may have been a good call but at the time I found out I just wish I could have done something important that could help. I had never taken cancer as a joke but now I take it even more seriously. Breast Cancer Awareness is one of the reasons why my favorite color is pink.

I believe in romance and happy endings. I think that one day the answers will come. That's why I enjoy blogging and writing. It's the one thing I can control, I can create my own happy endings. Somethings are out of our grasps and we just have to go with the flow. But everyone get's afraid sometimes. I can't control how you'll react to this but I hope it means something to you because every post means something to me.

Mind reading.

One of my absolute favorite songs is, Hear me, by Imagine Dragons. It's funny because it's like my song, I find it very easy to relate to. Do you want to know why?That's simple, I just want people to hear me. No I want people to listen.The other song is called  Show me love, by The Wanted, it's a sad but inspirational song that really just makes me happy.

I'm no mind reader, I have no clue if people actually like the things I have to say or actually care to listen. Then when it seems like someone finally listens, it's like they are just judging me inside their little minds. Like can you not. I hate having to explain myself and I love the people who get me. I start about five different blog posts and delete most of them, and when I finally come up with a good idea, I'm just like nobody is going to read this because I wrote it. I blog about a lot of my personal experiences and the people I'm around, if you're close to me chances are I blogged about you. Don't worry if I like you it's usually funny, nice things. But  I will say I do feel bad for the friends I stopped talking to, the one's I cut off. I didn't exactly mean to, but I did and I had my reason's sadly.But the thing is, when I miss someone, I talk to them. I at least acknowledge them, just wanting them to know I do think about them.

I watched this move called Stuck in Love, and it was a depressing, happy, amazing movie that just kind of moved me. Lily Collins played a cynical romance hating nineteen year old and Logan Lerman played the sweet guy who just wanted to get to know her. She basically told the guys in the movie she would have sex with them because she knew they wanted to do it and she wanted to do it so it would be easy. Obviously she could read minds. Basically the moral of the story was that, the time makes the heart grow fonder.

I feel like this is about to get personal really fast so... Sorry. 

I needed distance, I'm pretty sure at one point everyone feels like they can't deal with something anymore, they're so over it. Isn't that why break ups happen? I doubt every guy a girl dates is  a cheating man whore. Just like I doubt that every girl the a guy goes out with is going to leave them for that guy's older/younger brother. No pretty sure decent people do exist. So I needed to seperate myself from the people who were causing me the most pain. They never hurt me or did me wrong, I just want to move on. It was like that much needed long run where as you're running, nothing  else matters. It's like being in a free world where it's ok if you look stupid while your jumping on your trampoline because no one is here to judge you. Now I'm no gymnast, but I was tired of doing flips for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I can't confide in someone who can't keep a secret and I can't comfort someone who won't take it. One time I told someone I'd never had my first kiss before and they just told me all my flaws and that I was pathetic. You know whats scary? I'm afraid that I almost believed them.

One of the reasons I love texting so much is because, I actually have time to think things through with out feeling rushed. There are moments when I'm just like, I could have said this or that, but really no need to over think a text message. Sure if my crush texted me I'd probably be a little excited-oh wait- he doesn't have my number. Because, well that would just make me happy.

"I got a thousand friends that follow me/
Just to read about my misery"

I don't want people to listen or talk to me because they think I'm miserable and need comforting. No that is not me. I'm a happy person who's just going through life,I've just come to not deal with certain things anymore. I'm a  teenage girl who just wishes people would understand the way I think about things.I like it when people talk to me because they want to.

But right now I'm just counting stars....

Are you looking at me?

Do you ever just find yourself in  a situation where everyone is staring at you? Like why on earth would they be staring? Whenever someone stares at me I think of every possible thing in my head that they could possibly be staring at and freak out. I hate feeling like people are judging me, I know they do but I don't really want to feel them judging me. They say when you stare at a monkey, it goes crazy. I think I'm the monkey in this situation. I read once that in France people stare at other people openly to admire their beauty and it isn't considered creepy or rude. But I don't care who you are if you stare at me, I'm usually sending death threats in my head.

Imagine this: you see your crush and of course they look cute as always. You're just admiring the way they look, because anybody you have a crush on has got to be hot... Not realizing you're practically drooling, not cute by the way, when your crush turns and catches you staring. I'm going to tell you now that there are different types of staring and unless you want it to be super obvious that you like this person you better be discreet.  I mean there is  a difference between staring at a guy friend and staring at a guy you want to date.

I really should apologize in advance for the staring that I do, because I stare a lot.... Even if I'm not actually staring at you, it happens. I'll go from staring at an attractive guy, to staring at someone's shoe, to staring at my friends hair, to staring at someone's shirt. I even stare at the ceiling which confuses many people but I guess I find the answers to everything up there. But I always, always look at someone when they are talking to me or I'm talking to them. If I can look you in the eye you can do the same.

I absolutely cannot stand when people wear their freaking sunglasses inside a building. Like is that really necessary? Does it make you feel cool or something? I used to think it was stupid when teachers told students to take them off inside the classroom, well now I understand why. If you wear sunglasses inside there's about a strong chance I'm judging you. I could tolerate a medical condition, and maybe a couple times where you just "forgot" to take them off. But if you do it consistently, it's ridiculous. I can't tell if you're staring at me or the poster behind me, and then I'm just not sure whether to acknowledge you or ignore you without being rude. Does looking at someone while wearing sunglasses inside make you feel powsrful or something. Because it just pisses me off.

I just love it when a teacher stares at you expecting you to know the answer, hey I can stare back so this might last a while.  Do you ever just feel like staring contests can definitely be in your favor? I suck at them but against the right people they work for me. But hey if a guy has really gorgeous eyes, I have no problem staring back, unless they are like way to intense that it's scary. Those moments when you accidentally glance up, making eye contact with someone you don't like, I hate those.

Sorry about my random little rant, I hope you enjoyed it.

Bittersweet

Have you ever tasted dark chocolate before? Sweet, yet bitter, like you don't know whether to hate it or love it so you just kind of choose to love it. At least that's how I see things. Here are a couple things I currently view as bittersweet:

• The Fault in our Stars, by John Green. 

• A beautiful story where the main character Hazel, basically deals with the fact that she has cancer and challenges the way people view certain things in life. Like are there really things called Cancer perks? It's a novel about falling in love and like most teenage girls will tell you, if you read it you most likely will cry. You know if you don't cry it doesn't make you any less human, it just means that the story didn't have the same emotional effect on you that it had for other people. It is worth reading, after listening to so many good reviews I decided to read it and I don't regret it. The main character makes me what to change the way I approach things, makes me want to not give up.
• Fast Six 
• You know the movie where people drive fast cars and you know make lot's of money and do cool action tricks and such. 
• Bittersweet because Han loses his girlfriend (spoiler alert) and Don gets back with the wrong girl. Of course to everyone else Don made the right choice, but to me, no he picked the wrong girl.

• Glee
• You know that television show where a lot of people claim, ruins all their favorite songs.
• (Personally I think some of their covers are better)
• In reality I think the show actually helps get new music out to viewers, but if any of Lorde's songs get put on that show I'll be upset. I actually heard the Glee version of Wings by Little Mix and that is how I started listening to them. 
• But I'm trying to decide whether or not I really want to watch it again like....
• Also, I think that the tribute episode to Cory Monteith is going to be really sad regardless of the fact that I stopped really watching the show two seasons ago. I just like getting a proper goodbye. 
• Cancelled Abc Family shows
• There are quite a few:
• The Nine Lives Of Chloe King
• Which I guess isn't so bad because for closure they did put up the never before released script. I guess I'll have to read one of these days. It's too soon. Just kidding it's never too soon.
• The Lying Game
• I was actually kind of in to this show. Then I read on Wikipedia it was cancelled.
• a couple others who didn't catch on to me.
• You know the shows with those names that just don't ring a bell. You remember watching them just not really caring what they were about. 
• Not knowing whether or not you are going to regret something. Life is all about taking chances so it's hard. You don't want to have any regrets but what you regret now might mean nothing later. Things happen for a reason, but you know you never really want to admit you made a mistake . 
• Being a Senior... 
• I feel like thats self explanitory.
• When skinny girls call themselves fat:

I never thought my words would mean anything to anyone else. Until I shared some of the things that I wrote with people. I sometimes just sit in class and randomly write out my thoughts because sometimes, those crazy thoughts, can be super overwhelming. If the mind of a teenager is 90% song lyrics, than the other 10% for me, is definitely thoughts about life. I'm going to try my best to get better at sharing my thoughts, because I really am a happy person. I just have a lot of deep thinking moments that can sound super depressing.

It's a start

     Have you ever read an amazing book that had you sitting on the edge of your seat, wanting to know what is going to happen next? What about those gushy teen romance novels that leave you in tears or questioning your own real life relationships? Do you ever want to talk about your friends about what happened in these breathtaking novels but find yourself getting frustrated because they don't understand the beauty of the piece?

     I'm just going to tell you now everyone of those things have happened to me. I've read so many amazing books and I realized why not share what I thought about them with people who have similar interests? I'm going to go into the future, back into my past, and review the amazing books that i have read and talk about the ones I'm currently reading. Everyone has a different interpretation of what happens and I want to know if people agree with the things I have to say. Maybe this blog will help out authors too.

     Truthfully this blog isn't just about reading the books it's about writing them too. I want to write an amazing book that either has people crying or falling out of their chairs. Actually scratch that, I want to write many amazing books. You have a hobby, reading is one of mine. I've started writing about five books but will i have the guts to finish them? Hopefully I can strengthen my writing skills and work on connecting with an audience with this blog.


It's going to be a journey but I hope you come along for the ride.