Something about feelings.

When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it’s worth something.
— Chuck Bass (@ltsChuck) May 7, 2014

Have you ever met someone and it's like all of a sudden nothing else matters? Like those moments your with them just feel so fantastic that all the bad things in your world just disappear. I picked the tweet above to share because hey, it's Chuck Bass and because it just feels incredibly true. In life I feel like things that are the most worth it are the things that are challenging and difficult. Like right now writing this blog post is challenging because I have a bunch of things on my mind that I want to say but the backspace button seems to be getting a workout. But who knows this post might actually be worth it.

I hate watching movies where  a character ends up with a happy ending even though they didn't really deserve it. Like no where in the storyline do they even attempt to try and in the end they turn out to be the hero or they have a passionate kiss with the so called love of their life. To me that's boring! Where's the excitement, the drama, the tear jerking moments that  actually mean something?I honestly like movies that make me cry because that means I had to have felt something. In the end I think everyone just wants to feel something. Even if that something is pain.

Recently I did meet someone who may have changed my life a little bit, maybe more than that. Not only did they help me learn more about myself but they also made me feel really happy. But what really got me is the fact that I don't think this person really realized how truly amazing they are. I'm not huge on talking but when I do talk it's with someone that I like. But when I'm not talking, I'm observing because I like to watch the little things that people do. Sometimes cute little things people do naturally are the things that make them stand out the most. When people point out your flaws or say negative things about you, it's easy to get stuck those ideas. To think that no one would ever really get to see the real you because all they can see are those negative things. I feel like when someone makes you happy those "flaws" don't matter they just make that person ten times better. With me I have the hardest time showing affection and or sharing my feeling because I'm so afraid that when people discover the real me, they'll realize I'm bad for them. So I've spent a lot of my time pushing people that I actually like away, or I just don't let them in.I But that's my fault and I want to change it. If I keep hiding behind this fear that no one will ever like me if they get to know me, no one is ever going to like me because I won't let them. I just want people to be happy, thats ll that matters to me.

Maybe that's why I don't like movies with a happy ending, because I 'm afraid I'll never get one of my own.

Control

When people get dumped, I don't think they are really that mad because it was embarrassing and that they really liked that person and expected a happily ever after. Well, okay maybe that's possible, but I think people are more upset because they didn't do it  themselves. Because who likes being beat at their own game? Sorry, but if someone gives you a warning signal that they don't have feelings for you anymore, take that hint and end it. Otherwise don't go crying when they do.You see it in the movies all the time guy/girl dumps significant other, significant other get's upset cries, screams and shouts then says something like, "I was going to break up with you anyways". Well you could have but you didn't so it kind of sucks for you right now.

I'm honestly not trying to sound cynical but, it's the control aspect of the sitiuation. No one likes to be out of control. You know those people who are afraid of love and want nothing to do with it? The one's who say they could live with a bunch of hook ups and be fine with it. Many times those people are just afraid of getting hurt. You can't control someone else's feelings and you can't stop them from hurting you. No one wants to get hurt. If you do enjoy getting hurt, you should see someone about that.

Imagine this, you're a teenager who just got their driver's license and it's a big deal. You finally get to drive and you have all this freedom. Now imagine after a few months of driving you're parents tell you that you can't drive for some silly reason and that you have to ride the bus. Tragic, right? There isn't exactly anything wrong with riding the bus, someone drives you around for free?  But it's like you lost something you actually had control over. You could hop in a car and go wherever you wanted, you were behind the wheel and it was all up to you. Having someone else behind the wheel sucks. See I know I can't drive because of my pain medicine and it just makes me sad because I love driving myself places.

Today my nurse asked me if I had to go "potty". I seriously wanted to Gibbs slap him across the back of his head. Like how old do I look? I hate doctors, hospitals and because they seem to be the only one's who can diagnose me and I still don't know what's wrong. I don't like taking medicine because I don't like the idea of relying on something that is only going the mask the problem and not get rid of it. I don't like feeling weak or pathetic and that is why I rarely tell people what the heck is going on. I feel like if someone cares enough about you, they will ask the questions, actually try to find things out. But I do talk to the people I care about because I would never want them to worry. I've only been seriously upset because I couldn't control something and that was my grandmother having Breast Cancer. No one told me she had had it for  a year. No one told me she had surgery. No one told me until they thought I needed to know. Now that may have been a good call but at the time I found out I just wish I could have done something important that could help. I had never taken cancer as a joke but now I take it even more seriously. Breast Cancer Awareness is one of the reasons why my favorite color is pink.

I believe in romance and happy endings. I think that one day the answers will come. That's why I enjoy blogging and writing. It's the one thing I can control, I can create my own happy endings. Somethings are out of our grasps and we just have to go with the flow. But everyone get's afraid sometimes. I can't control how you'll react to this but I hope it means something to you because every post means something to me.