Procrastinating on life.

I am a blogger. I have this  pretty little blog where I post my thoughts and the things that interest me and keep it up to date, or so I tell myself. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I checked my blog let alone wrote something. I keep telling myself I'll check it later or come back and look at it when I have the time. WHEN I HAVE THE TIME? Let's be real here, if I have time to think about something I probably have the time to check it. It's like telling a friend that you were going to text them but you didn't have the time. Yet you had enough time to check your Twitter or Instagram and watch your favorite show, but you did not have the time to text me. But I'm not referring to the fact that someone forgot to text me, to be honest I'm not keeping tabs. I'm referencing the fact that when it comes to life we the way we do things can be some what strange. When did checking social media become more important than checking on you're actual friends. That's friends not followers, the people you call when you need to lean on someone shoulders, not the people you send out philosophical quotes to in hopes of getting an unrealistic number of likes.

We have become a 140 characters or less society. If you can't grasp my attention in that many words , chances are I'm going to be bored. Sure there are moments when you have to sit through conversations, but after awhile the things you don't want to hear get ignored and you move one. I told myself I wanted to be a writer, well I don't see any New York Times best seller with my name on it, let alone actually written a book. I'll tell myself you can write later, it won't take that long to write a book. I want to, I want to write a book, but it's the life experience I lack on. Maybe I lack imagination. I don't even know what this blog is for anymore. Sometimes people, we let things pass us by when really we need to just take every chance and opportunity we have. It's not enough just to dream anymore, you have to go after the things you want.

I have this blog and I'm pretty sure no one reads it.

Teachers: What do they actually teach you?

Have you ever gone to class  and just wondered what the heck you were doing listening to some old person lecturing you about things you'll probably never think about outside of school? Sometimes I'll finish a class and then I'll just wonder to myself what I actually learned. It seems like a waste to go to school and feel like you didn't really learn anything. But I think the best lessons were the ones your teachers didn't have in the lesson plans. The life advice they give you because they actually have experience and they want you to succeed in the world. The things they tell you because they actually care.

In life you'll more than likely always meet someone who is more experienced in certain areas than you are. Whether it's school, a sport, a job or even a hobby, there's someone out there you could learn from. Those people that share their skill set with you, and try to make you better are just like the teachers you try to make you more educated so you can be successful in life. But sometimes you just can't help but think in your head when your listening to some sixty year old person going on and on about how they used to this and that ans what not, that they are wasting your time. Thinking about it now, I don't think those people tell these stories because they enjoy hearing their voice and want to make young people suffer through a history lesson. Maybe they want us to learn from their experiences and for us to be able to grow from them. They say history repeats itself and that's why you need to be educated on it, so you can see that cycle.


You know that metaphor everyone uses to describe life? Something about it being a roller coaster with many twists and turns and you never know what you are going to get? One of my coaches said to me, that some people say the prefer Merry go rounds, because they just go in circles. That is basically like saying that they just do the same things over and over and they do it because they know there will be no surprises. They also said that some people pick the roller coaster they get on to with the choices they make especially if they know what the consequences are going to be. But there are always those people who don't get on the ride at all because they are really  too afraid to take any risks, so they hold themselves back. When I look back on my life I don't want to be that person who didn't get on the ride at all. I want to be the person that created opportunities and actually did things whether or not they sucked or were totally awesome, I want to do them. 

Life tip #4: To have some excitement every once in awhile. You know when you haven't done anything interesting in along time, it's alright to live a little and do something fun and unexpected. No need to break the law, just get some adrenaline pumping. You know, fork somebodies yard or do some ding dong ditching.

Sometimes you don't have to be in a classroom to learn and experience things. More life tips to come...

Something about feelings.

When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it’s worth something.
— Chuck Bass (@ltsChuck) May 7, 2014

Have you ever met someone and it's like all of a sudden nothing else matters? Like those moments your with them just feel so fantastic that all the bad things in your world just disappear. I picked the tweet above to share because hey, it's Chuck Bass and because it just feels incredibly true. In life I feel like things that are the most worth it are the things that are challenging and difficult. Like right now writing this blog post is challenging because I have a bunch of things on my mind that I want to say but the backspace button seems to be getting a workout. But who knows this post might actually be worth it.

I hate watching movies where  a character ends up with a happy ending even though they didn't really deserve it. Like no where in the storyline do they even attempt to try and in the end they turn out to be the hero or they have a passionate kiss with the so called love of their life. To me that's boring! Where's the excitement, the drama, the tear jerking moments that  actually mean something?I honestly like movies that make me cry because that means I had to have felt something. In the end I think everyone just wants to feel something. Even if that something is pain.

Recently I did meet someone who may have changed my life a little bit, maybe more than that. Not only did they help me learn more about myself but they also made me feel really happy. But what really got me is the fact that I don't think this person really realized how truly amazing they are. I'm not huge on talking but when I do talk it's with someone that I like. But when I'm not talking, I'm observing because I like to watch the little things that people do. Sometimes cute little things people do naturally are the things that make them stand out the most. When people point out your flaws or say negative things about you, it's easy to get stuck those ideas. To think that no one would ever really get to see the real you because all they can see are those negative things. I feel like when someone makes you happy those "flaws" don't matter they just make that person ten times better. With me I have the hardest time showing affection and or sharing my feeling because I'm so afraid that when people discover the real me, they'll realize I'm bad for them. So I've spent a lot of my time pushing people that I actually like away, or I just don't let them in.I But that's my fault and I want to change it. If I keep hiding behind this fear that no one will ever like me if they get to know me, no one is ever going to like me because I won't let them. I just want people to be happy, thats ll that matters to me.

Maybe that's why I don't like movies with a happy ending, because I 'm afraid I'll never get one of my own.

Control

When people get dumped, I don't think they are really that mad because it was embarrassing and that they really liked that person and expected a happily ever after. Well, okay maybe that's possible, but I think people are more upset because they didn't do it  themselves. Because who likes being beat at their own game? Sorry, but if someone gives you a warning signal that they don't have feelings for you anymore, take that hint and end it. Otherwise don't go crying when they do.You see it in the movies all the time guy/girl dumps significant other, significant other get's upset cries, screams and shouts then says something like, "I was going to break up with you anyways". Well you could have but you didn't so it kind of sucks for you right now.

I'm honestly not trying to sound cynical but, it's the control aspect of the sitiuation. No one likes to be out of control. You know those people who are afraid of love and want nothing to do with it? The one's who say they could live with a bunch of hook ups and be fine with it. Many times those people are just afraid of getting hurt. You can't control someone else's feelings and you can't stop them from hurting you. No one wants to get hurt. If you do enjoy getting hurt, you should see someone about that.

Imagine this, you're a teenager who just got their driver's license and it's a big deal. You finally get to drive and you have all this freedom. Now imagine after a few months of driving you're parents tell you that you can't drive for some silly reason and that you have to ride the bus. Tragic, right? There isn't exactly anything wrong with riding the bus, someone drives you around for free?  But it's like you lost something you actually had control over. You could hop in a car and go wherever you wanted, you were behind the wheel and it was all up to you. Having someone else behind the wheel sucks. See I know I can't drive because of my pain medicine and it just makes me sad because I love driving myself places.

Today my nurse asked me if I had to go "potty". I seriously wanted to Gibbs slap him across the back of his head. Like how old do I look? I hate doctors, hospitals and because they seem to be the only one's who can diagnose me and I still don't know what's wrong. I don't like taking medicine because I don't like the idea of relying on something that is only going the mask the problem and not get rid of it. I don't like feeling weak or pathetic and that is why I rarely tell people what the heck is going on. I feel like if someone cares enough about you, they will ask the questions, actually try to find things out. But I do talk to the people I care about because I would never want them to worry. I've only been seriously upset because I couldn't control something and that was my grandmother having Breast Cancer. No one told me she had had it for  a year. No one told me she had surgery. No one told me until they thought I needed to know. Now that may have been a good call but at the time I found out I just wish I could have done something important that could help. I had never taken cancer as a joke but now I take it even more seriously. Breast Cancer Awareness is one of the reasons why my favorite color is pink.

I believe in romance and happy endings. I think that one day the answers will come. That's why I enjoy blogging and writing. It's the one thing I can control, I can create my own happy endings. Somethings are out of our grasps and we just have to go with the flow. But everyone get's afraid sometimes. I can't control how you'll react to this but I hope it means something to you because every post means something to me.

Fears and Insecurities

What's your biggest fear, is it knowing that people might actually see the real you? How many times have you gone back inside you house to change an outfit or a hairstyle because you felt like it wasn't good enough?  Once? Twice? How many times have you done something different just to impress someone and they still didn't notice a thing?

Let's start with a word:

Insecure:

1.

(of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.

So let's say being insecure is natural because hey, nobody's perfect but people still strive to be perfect.  Sometimes for themselves and sometimes for someone else. You see I would have never really thought to write something about insecurities because I wouldn't want people looking for all of mine. But one of my friends told me I should talk about them. It's funny because out of all the people I know she would never strike me as someone who is insecure. If fact, after many hilarious conversations I wish I could have recorded, she definitely is not. 

Here is a fun little question, How many times have you taken like fifty pictures of yourself and then decided they weren't good enough because of this or that? Think about it, I can randomly delete all the photos on my phone and not worry about, because they were all selfies no one was ever going to see. It's not the fact that I enjoy taking pictures of myself, okay the stupid ones yeah, I can just never take the perfect picture. There are people who post pictures just so they can have attention brought to themselves, and I give them props because I couldn't do it.

One thing that used to piss me so much, was listening to girls complain and complain about their weight. Most of them weren't even close to fat, so I basically decided they were conceited, stuck up brats who only cared about the way they looked. But they weren't, they were just insecure because they felt their weight was a flaw that people would judge them about.  Think about the movie Mean Girls, and if you say you've never watched it before, please let me punch you in the face. Anyways The Plastics were all just  insecure mean girls who wanted everyone to believe that they were perfect. Regina was concerned with her weight so that made it easy for Cady to manipulate her. Cady was insecure about her intelligence so she started acting stupid to get Aaron to tutor her, only to find out later that he liked her better when she was herself. Gretchen just felt like she had to be apart of something so she did end up joining the "cool asians." Even the the movie was very sexual, funny, and filled with backstabbing it did teach a really good lesson. I mean on Wednesdays we wear pink, some people just want to be apart of something.

It's really easy to feel insecure, I said in another post before, that when people stare at me I just think about every flaw they could be seeing. Maybe it's because I can't read minds, but I sure as hell would love to know why people stare at me. Insecurities kind of go hand in hand with fears, because most of the time you're afraid that people will find out the things that make you insecure.

But honestly everyone is beautiful.

Shit Girls Say

Lol XD I can't even function right now, funny laughs that I needed. 

No holding back

One of my friends once called me a gossip sponge because I had this ability to just listen to everybody talk about their problems and trash talk their best friends. To me it was no big deal because it was entertaining, never a boring day honestly. Sometimes I might have slipped a few details to some people, but for the secrets that really mattered, I kept them to myself. I still do actually. Funny how, I've never really had someone listen to me. To many times have I been cut off mid sentence, like what I have to say means nothing. I hope that one day what I have to say actually means something to someone because I would hate to do all this writing in vain. Maybe the problem is, I just don't quite know who the right people I should talk to are, because I surround myself with the people I comfortable with, that I know. I'm not shy, don't let that shit fool you. I've gone up to total strangers and ate lunch with them before, granted I had a little encouraging.

One thing that really bothers me is most definitely when people feel the need to broadcast every aspect of their personal life to the whole world. You know that saying "I don't kiss and tell" well, you should probably consider "I don't have sex and tell", because nobody really gives a flying squirrel on where, when, why or how awesome the sex you had was. Maybe you think it's "cool" or whatever and that you're the shit but honestly it just makes you look pathetic and immature and like you  can't keep something very personal a secret. I used to just laugh when people told about the things they've done but to be honest it just made me feel uncomfortable and it left some really awkward images in my mind. I mean think about, would you want your parents-no- grandparents announcing every time they did the deed? I think not. 

Oh you you know what I also find annoying? When people talk about things your involved in or know about right in front of you and then act like you're not even there. Like hello, I can hear all the things you're saying and you need to stop stahp. It's one thing to say things that are accurate and it's another to be completely biased and like you're above everyone else. No, I am so tired of being that person who has to hear that  crap. If you want to talk about how awesome you are go look in the mirror or speak to someone who actually cares. It's absolutely hilarious how I'm that quiet girl with all these thoughts but I have to let them out or I'll just be a hateful girl. There is no way in hell that I am anywhere close to perfect, and people probably want to punch me in the face half the time as well, but I would never talk about myself being way better than people at this or that because I'm probably not.

Why can't people just be themselves instead of trying to be perfect for everybody else? It's so sad seeing the same people try so hard to get other people's attention so they do it the wrong way. I have so much respect for those people who are like super fans when it comes to an actor, band, tv show, or artist. Not in like a creepy way or anything, the just know what's going on before it's mainstream. I know people who could quote the Vampire Diaries word for word or name every song by Lana Del Rey before half the world even knew what Summertime Sadness was. I laugh so hard when someone tries jumping on to the bandwagon and then get's called out for it. Because if you were there from the start cheering whoever or whatever on, you have absolute seniority over that person who accidentally Pandora'd a song that came out five years ago. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about getting into something new, but don't do it because you think you'll impress a guy or make a bunch of people like you. When it comes down to it, they'll like you for who you are, as long as you showed them that person in the beginning. I don't know half the rock bands or bands or whatever that people I know talk about, and I'm not going to pretend like I do so they'll like me more.

I am absolutely so over the people who only know my cell phone number when it comes time for them to need something. The thing is never used to hesitate until now. Played me like a cello, I've been ditched a parks, used as a way to get out of the house to meet boys, "can I have his number", " Mercedes come here, will that friend of yours be coming back out to her car I need to ask her something". Well to that last one, how the hell am I supposed to know I can't read minds? Maybe I'm stupid for not realize that half the time I'm being played, but I like to believe there are a few good people that i know. I go above and beyond for people, it's what I love doing. How is a so called friend going to talk crap about you with your own sister, like no can you not? "She can't even get a boyfriend and that's her little pathetic life," I've might not have ever been in a relationship but I sure has hell have had way more fun than you could ever imagine. All those times you come complaining to me about your "relationship issues,"well I'm stress free. My life might be pathetic to you, but it's my life and I absolutely love it.  I seriously wanted to cry but I didn't I just walked away, I got this random hug from a guy whose never hugged me before without even asking so I guess that helped me feel a little better.

It's not about how times you've been kissed or the hottest celebrity or band out there. No it's not about who slept with who and how she might end up sixteen and pregnant. No it's about living life and loving the people you surround yourself with. Because if you secretly hate every thing, you're only holding yourself back from something better. Don't get stuck in unhappiness because you think you have to.

This post went from a good idea to a muddy freaking mess. Sorry, had my thoughts all jumbled up.

Are you looking at me?

Do you ever just find yourself in  a situation where everyone is staring at you? Like why on earth would they be staring? Whenever someone stares at me I think of every possible thing in my head that they could possibly be staring at and freak out. I hate feeling like people are judging me, I know they do but I don't really want to feel them judging me. They say when you stare at a monkey, it goes crazy. I think I'm the monkey in this situation. I read once that in France people stare at other people openly to admire their beauty and it isn't considered creepy or rude. But I don't care who you are if you stare at me, I'm usually sending death threats in my head.

Imagine this: you see your crush and of course they look cute as always. You're just admiring the way they look, because anybody you have a crush on has got to be hot... Not realizing you're practically drooling, not cute by the way, when your crush turns and catches you staring. I'm going to tell you now that there are different types of staring and unless you want it to be super obvious that you like this person you better be discreet.  I mean there is  a difference between staring at a guy friend and staring at a guy you want to date.

I really should apologize in advance for the staring that I do, because I stare a lot.... Even if I'm not actually staring at you, it happens. I'll go from staring at an attractive guy, to staring at someone's shoe, to staring at my friends hair, to staring at someone's shirt. I even stare at the ceiling which confuses many people but I guess I find the answers to everything up there. But I always, always look at someone when they are talking to me or I'm talking to them. If I can look you in the eye you can do the same.

I absolutely cannot stand when people wear their freaking sunglasses inside a building. Like is that really necessary? Does it make you feel cool or something? I used to think it was stupid when teachers told students to take them off inside the classroom, well now I understand why. If you wear sunglasses inside there's about a strong chance I'm judging you. I could tolerate a medical condition, and maybe a couple times where you just "forgot" to take them off. But if you do it consistently, it's ridiculous. I can't tell if you're staring at me or the poster behind me, and then I'm just not sure whether to acknowledge you or ignore you without being rude. Does looking at someone while wearing sunglasses inside make you feel powsrful or something. Because it just pisses me off.

I just love it when a teacher stares at you expecting you to know the answer, hey I can stare back so this might last a while.  Do you ever just feel like staring contests can definitely be in your favor? I suck at them but against the right people they work for me. But hey if a guy has really gorgeous eyes, I have no problem staring back, unless they are like way to intense that it's scary. Those moments when you accidentally glance up, making eye contact with someone you don't like, I hate those.

Sorry about my random little rant, I hope you enjoyed it.

Sex & Violence

Maybe I have captured your attention with that title. But fear not this isn't some racy discussion about the topics of sex and bad things about it or how sex leads to violence or that if you have sex you will die. Sorry that's a run on sentence and a little bit of a mean girls reference, but seriously I read a book and that was its title....

What?!! I read a book? I know, it's crazy and sadly it's actually been awhile since I posted something I could call a decent book "review" or you know recommendation.  So I hope you guys appreciate this one, because this book was different for me.

Now the book is called, Sex & Violence, by Carrie Mesrobian. What threw me off though was the fact that the story was well written and in a guy's point of view and not many people can pull off the opposite sex view with out it being too biased but Mesrobian pulled it off. I have read some pretty disturbed books that were in a guy's point of view, and some times they switch. It was harder to tell which characters were more into sex than the other because both view points were pretty bad.

So anyways the story is about a teenage boy named Evan Carter and how he was used to being the "Freaking new guy" and basically had the ability to charm his way into most girls pants since he never really stayed in one place for so long. Well his actions kind of get back at him, let's just say that karma kicked his ass, and his actions also bring harm unto a girl he get's involved with. After experiencing Karma, Evan's dad moves them to a safer more permanent location where he can recover and learn more about himself. Not many guys can admit that they are assholes or slutty whores but Evan admits it right off the back and from the beginning of the story you watch him grow and change as a person. That sounds kind of corny and he isn't some butterfly experiment but his experiences are kind of thought provoking.  In this book about a summer of last chances and recovering there is a lot to be loved.

I love this quote alluding to Evan's father:

"He treated stuff like that how I'd imagine a father would treat his daughter's mentstrual cycle-with caution and distance." 

I think anybody could read this book, it's a little sensitive but it isn't a bad read so check it out. 

Bittersweet

Have you ever tasted dark chocolate before? Sweet, yet bitter, like you don't know whether to hate it or love it so you just kind of choose to love it. At least that's how I see things. Here are a couple things I currently view as bittersweet:

• The Fault in our Stars, by John Green. 

• A beautiful story where the main character Hazel, basically deals with the fact that she has cancer and challenges the way people view certain things in life. Like are there really things called Cancer perks? It's a novel about falling in love and like most teenage girls will tell you, if you read it you most likely will cry. You know if you don't cry it doesn't make you any less human, it just means that the story didn't have the same emotional effect on you that it had for other people. It is worth reading, after listening to so many good reviews I decided to read it and I don't regret it. The main character makes me what to change the way I approach things, makes me want to not give up.
• Fast Six 
• You know the movie where people drive fast cars and you know make lot's of money and do cool action tricks and such. 
• Bittersweet because Han loses his girlfriend (spoiler alert) and Don gets back with the wrong girl. Of course to everyone else Don made the right choice, but to me, no he picked the wrong girl.

• Glee
• You know that television show where a lot of people claim, ruins all their favorite songs.
• (Personally I think some of their covers are better)
• In reality I think the show actually helps get new music out to viewers, but if any of Lorde's songs get put on that show I'll be upset. I actually heard the Glee version of Wings by Little Mix and that is how I started listening to them. 
• But I'm trying to decide whether or not I really want to watch it again like....
• Also, I think that the tribute episode to Cory Monteith is going to be really sad regardless of the fact that I stopped really watching the show two seasons ago. I just like getting a proper goodbye. 
• Cancelled Abc Family shows
• There are quite a few:
• The Nine Lives Of Chloe King
• Which I guess isn't so bad because for closure they did put up the never before released script. I guess I'll have to read one of these days. It's too soon. Just kidding it's never too soon.
• The Lying Game
• I was actually kind of in to this show. Then I read on Wikipedia it was cancelled.
• a couple others who didn't catch on to me.
• You know the shows with those names that just don't ring a bell. You remember watching them just not really caring what they were about. 
• Not knowing whether or not you are going to regret something. Life is all about taking chances so it's hard. You don't want to have any regrets but what you regret now might mean nothing later. Things happen for a reason, but you know you never really want to admit you made a mistake . 
• Being a Senior... 
• I feel like thats self explanitory.
• When skinny girls call themselves fat:

I never thought my words would mean anything to anyone else. Until I shared some of the things that I wrote with people. I sometimes just sit in class and randomly write out my thoughts because sometimes, those crazy thoughts, can be super overwhelming. If the mind of a teenager is 90% song lyrics, than the other 10% for me, is definitely thoughts about life. I'm going to try my best to get better at sharing my thoughts, because I really am a happy person. I just have a lot of deep thinking moments that can sound super depressing.