Looks can be deceiving ....

Often enough we judge people, places and things by the way they look. If this doesn't apply to you well then good for you. But if this idea does apply to you do you ever just wonder if people judge you the same way and it bothers you because unless you're a mind reader how are you supposed to know what that person is thinking?

One of my coworkers laughs at me all the time and she literally thinks it's adorable how I have all these thoughts and beliefs about people. She told me to give it a few years and the thought would go away. Today she was joking with me and said I was shallow but she later said that I'm honestly too young to be shallow.  She said that with time the things I wanted would be different, "see now you want a buff guy with an eight pack but when you're older you'll want a guy with a nice 401 k".  She has made it her life's mission to set me up with someone. But when I do judge people I really do feel bad sometimes. Looks can be deceiving just because someone looks like a 10 does not make them a good person at all.  Their personality is also a factor.  

I have another question for you. Do you ever just feel like everyone around you is in a relationship but you are the only single one? That's probably not true but hey it happens. Also we've discovered that I can't tell the difference between flirting and just talking to someone. When you don't have experience in that area it all sounds the same. I'm such a dork it's ridiculous. Now when it comes to crushes I like to shoot for the stars. I'll have a crush on someone I know I'll never have a chance with and that's just  how I like it.  It's strange and maybe it makes me shallow but it's just how I currently see things.

If you used to know me you need to know this now. I am way more confident than I was before. I've done things in the past few weeks that have even surprised myself. Before if you would have walked past me I would have just ignored you but now I say hello. I'm not afraid to talk and I'm not afraid to be myself. Confidence is key and I'm not tolerating mediocrity and or bull. Funny, it's like a lot of my post are about relationships and I know nothing about them.

Hopefully my next post will make much more sense.

xoxo
Mercedes. 

Struggling to write

What's this a blog? Wait something I'm actually supposed to update and write on every now and then. Oops guess I've been forgetting to do something. Wait I actually haven't forgotten, I've been avoiding it. I think one of the reasons why is partially because I feel like I have nothing to say. I feel like most of my thoughts are just relevant enough for twitter, instagram or even a comment section on YouTube but not worthy enough for a blog. I'm sorry about that but from the view counter I don't really think anyone has been checking out my blog in a long time so it's all good.  Atleast I can say I've been into some new things recently and I'm also on the quest for a job so stay tuned for new things coming. What do you think would happen if I became a YouTube video blogger? Probably nothing, I don't think I'd have that many views. I still am on that journey to be AN AUTHOR so hopefully i can finally come up with some coherent thoughts that can be made into a novel sometime soon.
Future blogposts:

1. The Janoskians. (They are awesome)
2. Getting a job, ( You know those normal people who actually have to work for a living)
3. Writing - hopefully we'll see some progress there
4. Many more things but so I don't get your hopes up we can just some stuff.

Also I have been reading a lot but I usually document that more on goodreads  now so check out what I'm reading. It should be in a sidebar somewhere.

The Future (Revisited)

Not too long ago I wrote an article about the future: 

 The Future

So plain and simple: The future is scary. I'd like to say otherwise and be all wide eyed and optimistic but I can't because it scares me. Anything can happen and nothing is guaranteed and honestly you just don't know what you're going to get.  People say that they can't wait until the future for things to happen, but the future is now and things don't just happen, you have to make them happen....(for the rest click here)

 

 

But today is the present, the future is tomorrow and yesterday is the past. This is your life and it's crazy how fast time flies sometimes.  So here's some things that happened in the recent past.

1.  Prom-  There was dancing, cute dresses, a chocolate fountain and good music. Also not to mention all the profile pictures that changed because everyone just looked so awesome.
2. Grad Bash- Fun times in a theme park with your graduating class, definitely a fun time
3. Graduation- From high school of course. The class of 2014 did it and I am delighted to say I was one of them. It's crazy to think that four years just went by and pretty soon another four years will go by and that's college. I hope to make the most of it. It's sad knowing that I didn't know half the people in my senior class. Like congrats but I don't know you. But it was seriously just time to be done with high school, no surprises there. It might be a pretty cliche thing to say but, this is literally just the beginning. Our lives don't end with high school, there are so many great things ahead. 

I think that in life we are given some great opportunities and we just need to take them. This isn't a long post so sorry for that but there will be more soon. It's summer, I've got time.

 

 

Something about feelings.

When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it’s worth something.
— Chuck Bass (@ltsChuck) May 7, 2014

Have you ever met someone and it's like all of a sudden nothing else matters? Like those moments your with them just feel so fantastic that all the bad things in your world just disappear. I picked the tweet above to share because hey, it's Chuck Bass and because it just feels incredibly true. In life I feel like things that are the most worth it are the things that are challenging and difficult. Like right now writing this blog post is challenging because I have a bunch of things on my mind that I want to say but the backspace button seems to be getting a workout. But who knows this post might actually be worth it.

I hate watching movies where  a character ends up with a happy ending even though they didn't really deserve it. Like no where in the storyline do they even attempt to try and in the end they turn out to be the hero or they have a passionate kiss with the so called love of their life. To me that's boring! Where's the excitement, the drama, the tear jerking moments that  actually mean something?I honestly like movies that make me cry because that means I had to have felt something. In the end I think everyone just wants to feel something. Even if that something is pain.

Recently I did meet someone who may have changed my life a little bit, maybe more than that. Not only did they help me learn more about myself but they also made me feel really happy. But what really got me is the fact that I don't think this person really realized how truly amazing they are. I'm not huge on talking but when I do talk it's with someone that I like. But when I'm not talking, I'm observing because I like to watch the little things that people do. Sometimes cute little things people do naturally are the things that make them stand out the most. When people point out your flaws or say negative things about you, it's easy to get stuck those ideas. To think that no one would ever really get to see the real you because all they can see are those negative things. I feel like when someone makes you happy those "flaws" don't matter they just make that person ten times better. With me I have the hardest time showing affection and or sharing my feeling because I'm so afraid that when people discover the real me, they'll realize I'm bad for them. So I've spent a lot of my time pushing people that I actually like away, or I just don't let them in.I But that's my fault and I want to change it. If I keep hiding behind this fear that no one will ever like me if they get to know me, no one is ever going to like me because I won't let them. I just want people to be happy, thats ll that matters to me.

Maybe that's why I don't like movies with a happy ending, because I 'm afraid I'll never get one of my own.

Control

When people get dumped, I don't think they are really that mad because it was embarrassing and that they really liked that person and expected a happily ever after. Well, okay maybe that's possible, but I think people are more upset because they didn't do it  themselves. Because who likes being beat at their own game? Sorry, but if someone gives you a warning signal that they don't have feelings for you anymore, take that hint and end it. Otherwise don't go crying when they do.You see it in the movies all the time guy/girl dumps significant other, significant other get's upset cries, screams and shouts then says something like, "I was going to break up with you anyways". Well you could have but you didn't so it kind of sucks for you right now.

I'm honestly not trying to sound cynical but, it's the control aspect of the sitiuation. No one likes to be out of control. You know those people who are afraid of love and want nothing to do with it? The one's who say they could live with a bunch of hook ups and be fine with it. Many times those people are just afraid of getting hurt. You can't control someone else's feelings and you can't stop them from hurting you. No one wants to get hurt. If you do enjoy getting hurt, you should see someone about that.

Imagine this, you're a teenager who just got their driver's license and it's a big deal. You finally get to drive and you have all this freedom. Now imagine after a few months of driving you're parents tell you that you can't drive for some silly reason and that you have to ride the bus. Tragic, right? There isn't exactly anything wrong with riding the bus, someone drives you around for free?  But it's like you lost something you actually had control over. You could hop in a car and go wherever you wanted, you were behind the wheel and it was all up to you. Having someone else behind the wheel sucks. See I know I can't drive because of my pain medicine and it just makes me sad because I love driving myself places.

Today my nurse asked me if I had to go "potty". I seriously wanted to Gibbs slap him across the back of his head. Like how old do I look? I hate doctors, hospitals and because they seem to be the only one's who can diagnose me and I still don't know what's wrong. I don't like taking medicine because I don't like the idea of relying on something that is only going the mask the problem and not get rid of it. I don't like feeling weak or pathetic and that is why I rarely tell people what the heck is going on. I feel like if someone cares enough about you, they will ask the questions, actually try to find things out. But I do talk to the people I care about because I would never want them to worry. I've only been seriously upset because I couldn't control something and that was my grandmother having Breast Cancer. No one told me she had had it for  a year. No one told me she had surgery. No one told me until they thought I needed to know. Now that may have been a good call but at the time I found out I just wish I could have done something important that could help. I had never taken cancer as a joke but now I take it even more seriously. Breast Cancer Awareness is one of the reasons why my favorite color is pink.

I believe in romance and happy endings. I think that one day the answers will come. That's why I enjoy blogging and writing. It's the one thing I can control, I can create my own happy endings. Somethings are out of our grasps and we just have to go with the flow. But everyone get's afraid sometimes. I can't control how you'll react to this but I hope it means something to you because every post means something to me.

Mind reading.

One of my absolute favorite songs is, Hear me, by Imagine Dragons. It's funny because it's like my song, I find it very easy to relate to. Do you want to know why?That's simple, I just want people to hear me. No I want people to listen.The other song is called  Show me love, by The Wanted, it's a sad but inspirational song that really just makes me happy.

I'm no mind reader, I have no clue if people actually like the things I have to say or actually care to listen. Then when it seems like someone finally listens, it's like they are just judging me inside their little minds. Like can you not. I hate having to explain myself and I love the people who get me. I start about five different blog posts and delete most of them, and when I finally come up with a good idea, I'm just like nobody is going to read this because I wrote it. I blog about a lot of my personal experiences and the people I'm around, if you're close to me chances are I blogged about you. Don't worry if I like you it's usually funny, nice things. But  I will say I do feel bad for the friends I stopped talking to, the one's I cut off. I didn't exactly mean to, but I did and I had my reason's sadly.But the thing is, when I miss someone, I talk to them. I at least acknowledge them, just wanting them to know I do think about them.

I watched this move called Stuck in Love, and it was a depressing, happy, amazing movie that just kind of moved me. Lily Collins played a cynical romance hating nineteen year old and Logan Lerman played the sweet guy who just wanted to get to know her. She basically told the guys in the movie she would have sex with them because she knew they wanted to do it and she wanted to do it so it would be easy. Obviously she could read minds. Basically the moral of the story was that, the time makes the heart grow fonder.

I feel like this is about to get personal really fast so... Sorry. 

I needed distance, I'm pretty sure at one point everyone feels like they can't deal with something anymore, they're so over it. Isn't that why break ups happen? I doubt every guy a girl dates is  a cheating man whore. Just like I doubt that every girl the a guy goes out with is going to leave them for that guy's older/younger brother. No pretty sure decent people do exist. So I needed to seperate myself from the people who were causing me the most pain. They never hurt me or did me wrong, I just want to move on. It was like that much needed long run where as you're running, nothing  else matters. It's like being in a free world where it's ok if you look stupid while your jumping on your trampoline because no one is here to judge you. Now I'm no gymnast, but I was tired of doing flips for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I can't confide in someone who can't keep a secret and I can't comfort someone who won't take it. One time I told someone I'd never had my first kiss before and they just told me all my flaws and that I was pathetic. You know whats scary? I'm afraid that I almost believed them.

One of the reasons I love texting so much is because, I actually have time to think things through with out feeling rushed. There are moments when I'm just like, I could have said this or that, but really no need to over think a text message. Sure if my crush texted me I'd probably be a little excited-oh wait- he doesn't have my number. Because, well that would just make me happy.

"I got a thousand friends that follow me/
Just to read about my misery"

I don't want people to listen or talk to me because they think I'm miserable and need comforting. No that is not me. I'm a happy person who's just going through life,I've just come to not deal with certain things anymore. I'm a  teenage girl who just wishes people would understand the way I think about things.I like it when people talk to me because they want to.

But right now I'm just counting stars....

Fears and Insecurities

What's your biggest fear, is it knowing that people might actually see the real you? How many times have you gone back inside you house to change an outfit or a hairstyle because you felt like it wasn't good enough?  Once? Twice? How many times have you done something different just to impress someone and they still didn't notice a thing?

Let's start with a word:

Insecure:

1.

(of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.

So let's say being insecure is natural because hey, nobody's perfect but people still strive to be perfect.  Sometimes for themselves and sometimes for someone else. You see I would have never really thought to write something about insecurities because I wouldn't want people looking for all of mine. But one of my friends told me I should talk about them. It's funny because out of all the people I know she would never strike me as someone who is insecure. If fact, after many hilarious conversations I wish I could have recorded, she definitely is not. 

Here is a fun little question, How many times have you taken like fifty pictures of yourself and then decided they weren't good enough because of this or that? Think about it, I can randomly delete all the photos on my phone and not worry about, because they were all selfies no one was ever going to see. It's not the fact that I enjoy taking pictures of myself, okay the stupid ones yeah, I can just never take the perfect picture. There are people who post pictures just so they can have attention brought to themselves, and I give them props because I couldn't do it.

One thing that used to piss me so much, was listening to girls complain and complain about their weight. Most of them weren't even close to fat, so I basically decided they were conceited, stuck up brats who only cared about the way they looked. But they weren't, they were just insecure because they felt their weight was a flaw that people would judge them about.  Think about the movie Mean Girls, and if you say you've never watched it before, please let me punch you in the face. Anyways The Plastics were all just  insecure mean girls who wanted everyone to believe that they were perfect. Regina was concerned with her weight so that made it easy for Cady to manipulate her. Cady was insecure about her intelligence so she started acting stupid to get Aaron to tutor her, only to find out later that he liked her better when she was herself. Gretchen just felt like she had to be apart of something so she did end up joining the "cool asians." Even the the movie was very sexual, funny, and filled with backstabbing it did teach a really good lesson. I mean on Wednesdays we wear pink, some people just want to be apart of something.

It's really easy to feel insecure, I said in another post before, that when people stare at me I just think about every flaw they could be seeing. Maybe it's because I can't read minds, but I sure as hell would love to know why people stare at me. Insecurities kind of go hand in hand with fears, because most of the time you're afraid that people will find out the things that make you insecure.

But honestly everyone is beautiful.

No holding back

One of my friends once called me a gossip sponge because I had this ability to just listen to everybody talk about their problems and trash talk their best friends. To me it was no big deal because it was entertaining, never a boring day honestly. Sometimes I might have slipped a few details to some people, but for the secrets that really mattered, I kept them to myself. I still do actually. Funny how, I've never really had someone listen to me. To many times have I been cut off mid sentence, like what I have to say means nothing. I hope that one day what I have to say actually means something to someone because I would hate to do all this writing in vain. Maybe the problem is, I just don't quite know who the right people I should talk to are, because I surround myself with the people I comfortable with, that I know. I'm not shy, don't let that shit fool you. I've gone up to total strangers and ate lunch with them before, granted I had a little encouraging.

One thing that really bothers me is most definitely when people feel the need to broadcast every aspect of their personal life to the whole world. You know that saying "I don't kiss and tell" well, you should probably consider "I don't have sex and tell", because nobody really gives a flying squirrel on where, when, why or how awesome the sex you had was. Maybe you think it's "cool" or whatever and that you're the shit but honestly it just makes you look pathetic and immature and like you  can't keep something very personal a secret. I used to just laugh when people told about the things they've done but to be honest it just made me feel uncomfortable and it left some really awkward images in my mind. I mean think about, would you want your parents-no- grandparents announcing every time they did the deed? I think not. 

Oh you you know what I also find annoying? When people talk about things your involved in or know about right in front of you and then act like you're not even there. Like hello, I can hear all the things you're saying and you need to stop stahp. It's one thing to say things that are accurate and it's another to be completely biased and like you're above everyone else. No, I am so tired of being that person who has to hear that  crap. If you want to talk about how awesome you are go look in the mirror or speak to someone who actually cares. It's absolutely hilarious how I'm that quiet girl with all these thoughts but I have to let them out or I'll just be a hateful girl. There is no way in hell that I am anywhere close to perfect, and people probably want to punch me in the face half the time as well, but I would never talk about myself being way better than people at this or that because I'm probably not.

Why can't people just be themselves instead of trying to be perfect for everybody else? It's so sad seeing the same people try so hard to get other people's attention so they do it the wrong way. I have so much respect for those people who are like super fans when it comes to an actor, band, tv show, or artist. Not in like a creepy way or anything, the just know what's going on before it's mainstream. I know people who could quote the Vampire Diaries word for word or name every song by Lana Del Rey before half the world even knew what Summertime Sadness was. I laugh so hard when someone tries jumping on to the bandwagon and then get's called out for it. Because if you were there from the start cheering whoever or whatever on, you have absolute seniority over that person who accidentally Pandora'd a song that came out five years ago. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about getting into something new, but don't do it because you think you'll impress a guy or make a bunch of people like you. When it comes down to it, they'll like you for who you are, as long as you showed them that person in the beginning. I don't know half the rock bands or bands or whatever that people I know talk about, and I'm not going to pretend like I do so they'll like me more.

I am absolutely so over the people who only know my cell phone number when it comes time for them to need something. The thing is never used to hesitate until now. Played me like a cello, I've been ditched a parks, used as a way to get out of the house to meet boys, "can I have his number", " Mercedes come here, will that friend of yours be coming back out to her car I need to ask her something". Well to that last one, how the hell am I supposed to know I can't read minds? Maybe I'm stupid for not realize that half the time I'm being played, but I like to believe there are a few good people that i know. I go above and beyond for people, it's what I love doing. How is a so called friend going to talk crap about you with your own sister, like no can you not? "She can't even get a boyfriend and that's her little pathetic life," I've might not have ever been in a relationship but I sure has hell have had way more fun than you could ever imagine. All those times you come complaining to me about your "relationship issues,"well I'm stress free. My life might be pathetic to you, but it's my life and I absolutely love it.  I seriously wanted to cry but I didn't I just walked away, I got this random hug from a guy whose never hugged me before without even asking so I guess that helped me feel a little better.

It's not about how times you've been kissed or the hottest celebrity or band out there. No it's not about who slept with who and how she might end up sixteen and pregnant. No it's about living life and loving the people you surround yourself with. Because if you secretly hate every thing, you're only holding yourself back from something better. Don't get stuck in unhappiness because you think you have to.

This post went from a good idea to a muddy freaking mess. Sorry, had my thoughts all jumbled up.

Sex & Violence

Maybe I have captured your attention with that title. But fear not this isn't some racy discussion about the topics of sex and bad things about it or how sex leads to violence or that if you have sex you will die. Sorry that's a run on sentence and a little bit of a mean girls reference, but seriously I read a book and that was its title....

What?!! I read a book? I know, it's crazy and sadly it's actually been awhile since I posted something I could call a decent book "review" or you know recommendation.  So I hope you guys appreciate this one, because this book was different for me.

Now the book is called, Sex & Violence, by Carrie Mesrobian. What threw me off though was the fact that the story was well written and in a guy's point of view and not many people can pull off the opposite sex view with out it being too biased but Mesrobian pulled it off. I have read some pretty disturbed books that were in a guy's point of view, and some times they switch. It was harder to tell which characters were more into sex than the other because both view points were pretty bad.

So anyways the story is about a teenage boy named Evan Carter and how he was used to being the "Freaking new guy" and basically had the ability to charm his way into most girls pants since he never really stayed in one place for so long. Well his actions kind of get back at him, let's just say that karma kicked his ass, and his actions also bring harm unto a girl he get's involved with. After experiencing Karma, Evan's dad moves them to a safer more permanent location where he can recover and learn more about himself. Not many guys can admit that they are assholes or slutty whores but Evan admits it right off the back and from the beginning of the story you watch him grow and change as a person. That sounds kind of corny and he isn't some butterfly experiment but his experiences are kind of thought provoking.  In this book about a summer of last chances and recovering there is a lot to be loved.

I love this quote alluding to Evan's father:

"He treated stuff like that how I'd imagine a father would treat his daughter's mentstrual cycle-with caution and distance." 

I think anybody could read this book, it's a little sensitive but it isn't a bad read so check it out. 

Maze Runner by, James Dashner

"Shank"


" klunk"

" green bean"

" Med-jack"

"Shuck"

Words that make absolutely no sense to you or me but to the Gladers this is just part of their everyday language.The Glader's have been stuck in their own little world for two years. They have created a system that keeps people busy so that they don't have to worry about anyone going crazy. Panic, something that naturally comes to people when they are placed in very stressful situations where it seems like any hope of succeeding is impossible.The Gladers have hope, it's like they no that if they can just survive and maintain order, they will be able to make it out alive.

The Story

The book is about a boy named Thomas, who get's sent up through a box into a world full of young teenage boys who see Thomas's arrival as nothing out of the ordinary. For them it's been going on every month for the past two years. To the boys Thomas is just a green bean, a new guy. and will be put to work just like the rest of them. All the boys have one thing in common, they arrived through the box with no memory of where they came from, who their parents are, why they were sent. All they know is there first name, and that they should be scared.

Something is different for Thomas, because for him, this new world seems strangely familiar. He knows right away when that he wants to become a maze runner even if that means he has to face the horrendous grievers. No one really like's going out into the maze and for the people that do, it's a serious job and they don't plan on getting stuck out there.

The Glader's are just trying to find one way to escape. Their homestead has doors that close at the same time every single night to protect them from the dangers lurking outside. Outside those doors is a maze that changes it's pattern every single day. If you get stuck in that maze at night chances are, you aren't coming back.

My Thoughts...

This book has a lot  going on. When  first saw it I really didn't want to read it because I really thought it wasn't going to be worth it. It was different from all the girly books I read. I learned that it was going to be turned into a movie and that Dylan O' Brian was going to be in it so I then decided that I needed to read it. I really do prefer to read books before watching the movies. But I was also happy to learn that this book is apart of a series. It really is a good read. I learned very interesting words and I really started liking the characters. It shows you what lengths people are willing to go through to survive. Change can be a hard thing to deal with and the Gladers experience it. Would you be able to survive on your own with a bunch of teenagers? There has to be some order, someone leading the pack. A system has to be created and someone has to be smart enough to come up with it.

Shut out

What is this book really about?

1. Who is the author? - Kody Keplinger. She wrote her first book, The DUFF, at the age of seventeen and is now a published author. The fact that she wrote the book while still in high school is pretty inspiring. Interesting fact: all the books she writes have a playlist, which I love.
2. A rivalry: A ten year rivalry between The Hamilton High football and soccer teams, respectively. In this book, Lissa has two love interests, Randy( football player) and Cash Sterling ( soccer player).  Most high rivalries are between opposing schools but not at Hamilton high. It starts off funny and somewhat innocent, egging cars, little pranks, but then things start getting dangerous and people start getting injured.
3. A booty call. Lissa starts the book off dating Randy but after he does things that she doesn't approve of, their relationship starts to get distant and weird. Broken promises and bribing a girl with flowers to have a good time and just leave, won't really put you in good standings with any girl.
4. Angry girlfriends. Make out sessions being interrupted by car egging, guys ditching their girlfriends to go pull pranks on the other teams, and guys acting like their girlfriend owes them sex. Girls never really like to be the second choice at all, in fact I bet if a guy asked a girl you know out and then asked you out, you would probably be offended because he wanted her before he wanted you. So how would you feel if a guy ditched you for a pranks? You would probably agree with the girls of Hamilton High.
5. A Sex Strike. I bet when you read this you might have been like "what a sex strike?" and I understand because those were my exact thoughts. Those angry girlfriends that I was talking about took action. Lissa rallies all the players girlfriends and get's them to go on strike until their boyfriends decide to give up the pointless rivalry.
6. Heartbreak. No real relationship is going to go smoothly. It will have it's ups and downs and sometimes it just won't last. Lissa learns what it really is to love, and how to let someone else take control for once. This book teaches you that not everything is going to be perfect and that sometimes you might change your opinion on certain things and people.
7. Romance: This isn't some graphic romance novel so if you are looking for that you aren't exactly going to get it. I found the book in the adult section but it really is not that bad but some things would be inappropriate for a thirteen year old.
8. Greek Mythology: This book is a romantic re imaging of Aristophanes Lysistrata.

Kody Keplingers blog.
This was a seriously good read. Enjoy it.

The ultimate mission