Fears and Insecurities

What's your biggest fear, is it knowing that people might actually see the real you? How many times have you gone back inside you house to change an outfit or a hairstyle because you felt like it wasn't good enough?  Once? Twice? How many times have you done something different just to impress someone and they still didn't notice a thing?

Let's start with a word:

Insecure:

1.

(of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.

So let's say being insecure is natural because hey, nobody's perfect but people still strive to be perfect.  Sometimes for themselves and sometimes for someone else. You see I would have never really thought to write something about insecurities because I wouldn't want people looking for all of mine. But one of my friends told me I should talk about them. It's funny because out of all the people I know she would never strike me as someone who is insecure. If fact, after many hilarious conversations I wish I could have recorded, she definitely is not. 

Here is a fun little question, How many times have you taken like fifty pictures of yourself and then decided they weren't good enough because of this or that? Think about it, I can randomly delete all the photos on my phone and not worry about, because they were all selfies no one was ever going to see. It's not the fact that I enjoy taking pictures of myself, okay the stupid ones yeah, I can just never take the perfect picture. There are people who post pictures just so they can have attention brought to themselves, and I give them props because I couldn't do it.

One thing that used to piss me so much, was listening to girls complain and complain about their weight. Most of them weren't even close to fat, so I basically decided they were conceited, stuck up brats who only cared about the way they looked. But they weren't, they were just insecure because they felt their weight was a flaw that people would judge them about.  Think about the movie Mean Girls, and if you say you've never watched it before, please let me punch you in the face. Anyways The Plastics were all just  insecure mean girls who wanted everyone to believe that they were perfect. Regina was concerned with her weight so that made it easy for Cady to manipulate her. Cady was insecure about her intelligence so she started acting stupid to get Aaron to tutor her, only to find out later that he liked her better when she was herself. Gretchen just felt like she had to be apart of something so she did end up joining the "cool asians." Even the the movie was very sexual, funny, and filled with backstabbing it did teach a really good lesson. I mean on Wednesdays we wear pink, some people just want to be apart of something.

It's really easy to feel insecure, I said in another post before, that when people stare at me I just think about every flaw they could be seeing. Maybe it's because I can't read minds, but I sure as hell would love to know why people stare at me. Insecurities kind of go hand in hand with fears, because most of the time you're afraid that people will find out the things that make you insecure.

But honestly everyone is beautiful.

No holding back

One of my friends once called me a gossip sponge because I had this ability to just listen to everybody talk about their problems and trash talk their best friends. To me it was no big deal because it was entertaining, never a boring day honestly. Sometimes I might have slipped a few details to some people, but for the secrets that really mattered, I kept them to myself. I still do actually. Funny how, I've never really had someone listen to me. To many times have I been cut off mid sentence, like what I have to say means nothing. I hope that one day what I have to say actually means something to someone because I would hate to do all this writing in vain. Maybe the problem is, I just don't quite know who the right people I should talk to are, because I surround myself with the people I comfortable with, that I know. I'm not shy, don't let that shit fool you. I've gone up to total strangers and ate lunch with them before, granted I had a little encouraging.

One thing that really bothers me is most definitely when people feel the need to broadcast every aspect of their personal life to the whole world. You know that saying "I don't kiss and tell" well, you should probably consider "I don't have sex and tell", because nobody really gives a flying squirrel on where, when, why or how awesome the sex you had was. Maybe you think it's "cool" or whatever and that you're the shit but honestly it just makes you look pathetic and immature and like you  can't keep something very personal a secret. I used to just laugh when people told about the things they've done but to be honest it just made me feel uncomfortable and it left some really awkward images in my mind. I mean think about, would you want your parents-no- grandparents announcing every time they did the deed? I think not. 

Oh you you know what I also find annoying? When people talk about things your involved in or know about right in front of you and then act like you're not even there. Like hello, I can hear all the things you're saying and you need to stop stahp. It's one thing to say things that are accurate and it's another to be completely biased and like you're above everyone else. No, I am so tired of being that person who has to hear that  crap. If you want to talk about how awesome you are go look in the mirror or speak to someone who actually cares. It's absolutely hilarious how I'm that quiet girl with all these thoughts but I have to let them out or I'll just be a hateful girl. There is no way in hell that I am anywhere close to perfect, and people probably want to punch me in the face half the time as well, but I would never talk about myself being way better than people at this or that because I'm probably not.

Why can't people just be themselves instead of trying to be perfect for everybody else? It's so sad seeing the same people try so hard to get other people's attention so they do it the wrong way. I have so much respect for those people who are like super fans when it comes to an actor, band, tv show, or artist. Not in like a creepy way or anything, the just know what's going on before it's mainstream. I know people who could quote the Vampire Diaries word for word or name every song by Lana Del Rey before half the world even knew what Summertime Sadness was. I laugh so hard when someone tries jumping on to the bandwagon and then get's called out for it. Because if you were there from the start cheering whoever or whatever on, you have absolute seniority over that person who accidentally Pandora'd a song that came out five years ago. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about getting into something new, but don't do it because you think you'll impress a guy or make a bunch of people like you. When it comes down to it, they'll like you for who you are, as long as you showed them that person in the beginning. I don't know half the rock bands or bands or whatever that people I know talk about, and I'm not going to pretend like I do so they'll like me more.

I am absolutely so over the people who only know my cell phone number when it comes time for them to need something. The thing is never used to hesitate until now. Played me like a cello, I've been ditched a parks, used as a way to get out of the house to meet boys, "can I have his number", " Mercedes come here, will that friend of yours be coming back out to her car I need to ask her something". Well to that last one, how the hell am I supposed to know I can't read minds? Maybe I'm stupid for not realize that half the time I'm being played, but I like to believe there are a few good people that i know. I go above and beyond for people, it's what I love doing. How is a so called friend going to talk crap about you with your own sister, like no can you not? "She can't even get a boyfriend and that's her little pathetic life," I've might not have ever been in a relationship but I sure has hell have had way more fun than you could ever imagine. All those times you come complaining to me about your "relationship issues,"well I'm stress free. My life might be pathetic to you, but it's my life and I absolutely love it.  I seriously wanted to cry but I didn't I just walked away, I got this random hug from a guy whose never hugged me before without even asking so I guess that helped me feel a little better.

It's not about how times you've been kissed or the hottest celebrity or band out there. No it's not about who slept with who and how she might end up sixteen and pregnant. No it's about living life and loving the people you surround yourself with. Because if you secretly hate every thing, you're only holding yourself back from something better. Don't get stuck in unhappiness because you think you have to.

This post went from a good idea to a muddy freaking mess. Sorry, had my thoughts all jumbled up.

Are you looking at me?

Do you ever just find yourself in  a situation where everyone is staring at you? Like why on earth would they be staring? Whenever someone stares at me I think of every possible thing in my head that they could possibly be staring at and freak out. I hate feeling like people are judging me, I know they do but I don't really want to feel them judging me. They say when you stare at a monkey, it goes crazy. I think I'm the monkey in this situation. I read once that in France people stare at other people openly to admire their beauty and it isn't considered creepy or rude. But I don't care who you are if you stare at me, I'm usually sending death threats in my head.

Imagine this: you see your crush and of course they look cute as always. You're just admiring the way they look, because anybody you have a crush on has got to be hot... Not realizing you're practically drooling, not cute by the way, when your crush turns and catches you staring. I'm going to tell you now that there are different types of staring and unless you want it to be super obvious that you like this person you better be discreet.  I mean there is  a difference between staring at a guy friend and staring at a guy you want to date.

I really should apologize in advance for the staring that I do, because I stare a lot.... Even if I'm not actually staring at you, it happens. I'll go from staring at an attractive guy, to staring at someone's shoe, to staring at my friends hair, to staring at someone's shirt. I even stare at the ceiling which confuses many people but I guess I find the answers to everything up there. But I always, always look at someone when they are talking to me or I'm talking to them. If I can look you in the eye you can do the same.

I absolutely cannot stand when people wear their freaking sunglasses inside a building. Like is that really necessary? Does it make you feel cool or something? I used to think it was stupid when teachers told students to take them off inside the classroom, well now I understand why. If you wear sunglasses inside there's about a strong chance I'm judging you. I could tolerate a medical condition, and maybe a couple times where you just "forgot" to take them off. But if you do it consistently, it's ridiculous. I can't tell if you're staring at me or the poster behind me, and then I'm just not sure whether to acknowledge you or ignore you without being rude. Does looking at someone while wearing sunglasses inside make you feel powsrful or something. Because it just pisses me off.

I just love it when a teacher stares at you expecting you to know the answer, hey I can stare back so this might last a while.  Do you ever just feel like staring contests can definitely be in your favor? I suck at them but against the right people they work for me. But hey if a guy has really gorgeous eyes, I have no problem staring back, unless they are like way to intense that it's scary. Those moments when you accidentally glance up, making eye contact with someone you don't like, I hate those.

Sorry about my random little rant, I hope you enjoyed it.